so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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