I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
