I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
we're making bets on your personal life
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
