I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
did you just send me my own nude
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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