wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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