I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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