Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
