My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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