genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
