I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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