Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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