You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
