Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
