I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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