so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
