Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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