I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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