i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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