I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
