the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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