i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
