I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
