All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
