we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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