she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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