So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
