Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
