i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
