she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
