Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
