My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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