It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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