I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize