I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
