You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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