He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
