You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
