im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
