Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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