I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
