she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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