She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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