yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Randomize
