Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
