just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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