I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize