just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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