I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
