New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
