Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
