found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
