I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
