Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize